Having a niece made me start thinking of my life. What will the kind of girl that I have kids with be like… And what I’ll feel like after my son or daughter is born…

INTRO:
When I choose a woman
To the bearer of my child
She has to be hip
She has to have some style

We’ll split the genes up
Some hers and some mine
Oh what I’ll feel when she gives birth
To 8 kids at one time

VERSE:
After 1 –
We’ll have so much fun
We’ll dance the night away
And have picnics in the sun

And then 2 –
There will be so much stuff to do
Not a care in the world
And I’ll whisper “I love you”

Here comes 3 –
Is this where I want to be?
I’ll try with all these kids
But only the first one looks like me!

Oh Jesus 4 –
I can’t take it anymore
I’m not a wealthy man
And now I think that you’re a whore

Great 5 –
My life just took a dive
I’ve got these dicks for all their lives
But that’s only if they all survive

Of Course 6 –
I can’t live like this
I could always cut my wrist
There must be semen in my piss

Look out 7! –
You shouldn’t get too settled in
Cause my spirits got the devil in
A baby’s grave I’ll soon be shovelin’

COME ON 8! –
Brass knuckles filled with hate
You wont stand the test of fate
Not since mom’s period was late
A
AND now 9 – (sigh’s)

OUTRO:
You remind me of myself
And your blond hair just shines
A little crooked nose
With baby blues just like mine

When you DO grow up
You could turn out just like me
So to show how much I love you
I will end our misery

BOOOOOM! (gunshot)

Marinated improv comedy grilled to perfection and topped with hilarious scenes, genius anecdotes, and pants pissing punch lines. Our seasoned improvisers are served to your liking and smothered in spicy suggestions. With our no drink minimum policy, it makes it even better for couples to enjoy themselves.

Face Off performs Friday nights at 412 Main Street, Port Jefferson, NY 11777. Beer and wine served and there is never a drink minimum.

For more information about the show visit fridaynightfaceoff.com.

To our guests with comedic sensitivities or allergies: Face Off cannot ensure that menu items do not contain ingredients that might cause an allergic reaction. Please order with caution.

Warning: Consuming raw or under cooked improv, comedy, sketches, anecdotes and scuttlebutt may result in feelings of euphoria, uncontrollable laughter, and urinary incontinence. Some side splitting may occur in severe cases.

Click here to download the flyer

For more information on how to fulfill all of your comedy desires visit fridaynightfaceoff.com. We’ll never tell…

When: Every Friday night at 10:30pm
Where: Theatre Three in downtown Port Jefferson
fridaynightfaceoff.com

Its wizard life, yeah… Warts-side, @!%%&!

Lets show em how we do this…

I thank Dumbledor for makin’ me strong
Got the wand in palm now I’m droppin bombs
To right the wrongs

Wizard out till the day I day
Can’t see me in a cloak
with the naked eye, ha ha

Valdemort’s @!%%&s wanna see me and showdown
Wild west motha $%*@,
Wands up and hoedown

Your whole crew runs cause they best to be fearing’ us, make em delirious
You @!%%&s ain’t even black
How you gonna be Sirius, ha ha

That @!%%& Snape is always such a prick
Now you $%*@!# wit a thug wizard, suck my &!@#.
With Bellatrix. Uh!

Now its all about the power
I’m showering spells
I’ll throw that Valdemort cowered from the highest tower in Hell

He ain’t nutting’ but a cheap trick
Dark arts betta watch who you beef wit
Got a patronem locked and loaded in the Chamber of Secrets

Its type hard in this wizard struggle
When all the kids be callin me a muggle

And thats just how $&!# is out here. Its warts-side @!%%&, balloon’ on the courtside. We just trying’ to make it. I’ma wizard motha $%*@!
I got scars on my forehead to prove it… This ain’t a game, @!%%&.
My magic stick make sure all yall wigs get split.
We ride brooms motha $%*@.
I don’t get skittish from Quidditch!!

We wizards! $%* yall!

Hit Em Up

A mailman rings the bell to the third floor of a New York apartment building. This is the building of Jason Bourne, the ex-assassin who has bested the best. His mental and physical prowess are unmatched by all other would be assassins.

Mailman:  I have a package here for (Scanning the label) John Kaine. You him?
Bourne: I’m Kaine.

Jason Bourne had to live as one of his many aliases to survive the Governments attempts on his life. Bourne accepts the package, while monitoring the mailman. Their eyes lock. Something about this mailman is unsettling to Jason, despite his obesity and unseemliness; there is a fear that he maybe another assassin. He may be what is known to CIA as, THE ASSETT.

Without hesitation, Bourne tosses the package into the mail carriers arms and karate chops him in the larynx with his free hand.

Mailman: Oh my God, what are you doing to me?

Using his Ju-Jizu skills, Bourne sends the man to the floor in one sweeping motion, leaving him momentarily paralyzed.

Bourne doesn’t believe the rues of course. He trusts no one. What are the odds that a mailman would deliver a package to his apartment? Oh no, CIA must be involved. He warned them but they didn’t listen.

Bourne jets up the stairs to his apartment to gather necessities for survival. Cell phone, Cash, 17 passports, and of course his gun. On his way out he hurtles the Mail Man, who mutters.

Mailman: Sir, you didn’t sign for your package… Please don’t hit me again.

Bourne flies through the front door and into the busy streets of New York. Running as fast as he can, he scans the area for a way out. Behind him is the Mailman, package in hand, headed straight for Bournes next door neighbors apartment. He had to act fast. As the Mailman rang the bell, Bourne began to climb a nearby fence. This led Bourne up to the balcony of an adjacent building. He began to jump from balcony to balcony, racing to his neighbor Carrey’s home. Each jump more death defying than the last. Time was running out. Bourne leapt to the balcony above the front door where the Mailman stood, but he missed his target and could only grasp the railing. As Bourne hang from the balcony above, the innocent women, Carrey, had answered the door.

Mailman: Excuse me, Mam. This package is addressed to your neighbor, Mr. Kaine. When I tried to give it to him, he attacked me!
Carrey: Attacked you? That doesn’t sound like him. He’s usually very qui…

Before Carrey could finish her sentence, Bourne swung down from the balcony above, landing on top of the Mailman. Carrey screamed with fright.

Carrey: What the fuck are you doing?
Bourne: There is no time to explain. We have to change your hair.
Carrey: What?
Bourne: We’re blown. You’re hair. We have to change it.
Carrey: Are you out of your mind. You just assaulted a Mailman. That’s a federal offence!

Bourne drags Carrey into her own bathroom, whips out a tube of hair dye and goes to work. Minutes later Carrey appears as a brunette with a short and uneven haircut.

Bourne: Okay, that will work.
Carrey: I’ll do what ever you ask, just don’t rape or kill me.
Bourne: Look! This isn’t some soap opera! This is real! Right now! These people will kill you!
Carrey: The Mailmen?
Bourne: You have to trust me.

Carrey shoots Bourne a nervous look. Jason attempts to comfort her with his gaze. She is the only person that he’s spoken to since Marie was killed. A noise is heard from the hallway. It’s the injured Mailman climbing the stairs.

Mailman: Miss, can you call the police and an ambulance. I think that I’m very badly…

He notices Bourne standing in the hallway.

Mailman: Oh please, sir. Don’t hit me ag…

In an instant Bourne thrashes and twists the mailmans arm behind his shoulder and hurls him into the hallway mirror, shattering it. The mailman drops unconscious and bloody. Bourne turns to Carrey.

Bourne: We have to go!
Carrey: I’m calling the police.
Bourne: Marie, trust me!
Carrey: Who the fuck is Marie?

Bourne turns and runs out the door, feeling betrayed.

Hours later, the Mailman lay in the hospital bed watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire... He is alone and in pain. His collar bone is broke along with the thumb and index finger on his right hand. He has bruises all over his body and the 30 stitches in his head, plus he’ll be pulling shards of mirror from his head for the next two months. The phone rings… Every attempt at moving, he weeps just a little bit. The pain is excruciating.

Mailman: Hello?
Voice: This is Jason Bourne.
Mailman: Who?
Bourne: I told you to leave me alone.
Mailman: I don’t know what you’re talking about! I just had a package to deliver! I thought your name was Kaine?
Bourne: Who sent you? Treadstone? Black Briar?
Mailman: The United States Post Office! My name is Brian Paulson! I work for the Post Office.
Bourne: Stop following me. If I even smell you around the corner… Well, you know what will happen. I’M OUT! I’m out…

Brian, the Mailman begins to sob.

Bourne: Brian?
Mailman: Yeah?
Bourne: They should have used their last lifeline

The phone goes dead…

The End

One summer, I was walking down Baltic Avenue and ran into my dog, Joe. He told me that Vinny was pumping iron over on Boardwalk. That’s when we got the call from Jay. Jay informed us that we might lose the Face Off Improv Theatre.  Apparently Jay hasn’t paid the Income Tax and now the Theatre was going to be destroyed, so that Parker Bros Development could put up a new hotel. Face Off owed $50,000 by the end of the week. Where were we going to come up with that kind of cash? I had a few dollars saved, from working at the City Water Department and suggested that we take a chance and advance over to the B&O Railroad, since there is no Free Parking downtown. I thought that maybe we could pay enough to get an extension. But when we arrived, the Community Chest was closed.

That’s when Eric called. Eric, Alex and Jay were eating Pad Tai on Oriental Avenue, trying to figure out what we should do… Vinny picked us up in his race car and we headed over to the restaurant to meet them. After hours of arguing and many drinks we all came to an agreement. There was only one way to come up with that much money on such short notice… the biggest BIKINI CAR WASH this town had ever seen!

We all knew that the hottest girls were from St. Charles Place (they were also the best at washing cars). But we also met a few working girls along the way and that was great! Vinny, Jay and Eric are married, so they just took a card. But the rest of us had a blast!

We were all set. Tomorrow morning the car wash would go on without a hitch, we would make our $50,000 by the deadline and get the Face Off Improv Theatre back. Only one problem… Alex got busted with one of the hookers and went to jail. Great! Now we have another bill to pay. His bail was set at $10,000. Where are we going to come up with this kind of money?

We knew that we all had to do our part to chip in. And we only had 2 days left! The car wash had to make a total of $60,000 or we would lose our theatre and our friend… Oh Brother!

What were we going to do? That’s when we pulled out all the stops and pooled our resources. Joe had been extorting a Massage Parlor on Illinois Avenue and raised $2,000. Mine and Jay’s savings together were only other $3,000. That’s when Eric did the most noble thing any of us had ever seen. He sold his wedding ring on Mediterranean Avenue. He got $5,000 for it. I know that it broke his heart to do it. He cried through the entire transaction. That took care of Alex, and he was grateful… We all were… We shared a moment… It was a little uncomfortable…

We still needed $50,000 to save the theatre from the Parker Bros Development. We can’t just let our theatre be bulldozed over for another fancy hotel…

This was it! The time had come. We had the car wash in a parking lot on New York Avenue. We played the best “80’s working together montage” song we could find. Lot’s of synthesizers. Of course, the stuck up old women from Park Place had a thing to say about scantily clad teenage girls and hookers washing their Rolls Royce (I’m sure their husbands didn’t mind). Even the cops tried to shut us down, but once we moved back three spaces, they didn’t have a leg to stand on. It was a riot. At one point Vinny was pushing 6 girls around in a wheel barrow.

When it was over, we did better than we set out to do. We raised exactly $60,000. No more, no less. Thank God that all the girls helped out for free. And everyone’s hard work really paid off. Joe, Jay and I all got our money back. Alex only got raped once in jail. And as for Eric… Eric marched right back to the jeweler on Mediterranean Avenue and got his wedding ring. But he only paid $4,000 for it. He was able to take his wife on that vacation they couldn’t afford! And we all got our theatre back!

I learned a lot that summer… About friendship, how to diversify my funds, and how to haggle with prostitutes. Maybe this town is a little crazy. But I think everything is going to be all right for the Face Off Gang. YEEEAAAHHH!

Face Off will be performing at Theatre Three | 412 Main Street, Port Jefferson, NY 11777. to help raise money for Autism Speaks.

Autism Speaks is dedicated to funding research into the causes, prevention, treatments and a cure for autism; increasing awareness of autism spectrum disorders; and advocating for the needs of individuals with autism and their families.

For more information or to make a donation, please visit the links below.

See us live every Friday night at 10:30: Theatre Three | 412 Main Street, Port Jefferson, NY 11777. Tickets are $12. Beer, wine and snacks are served and there is never a drink minimum.

To see video of Friday Night Face Off improv please visit our fan made and maintained YouTube page, click here.

Warning: Face Off improv comedy, sketches, anecdotes and scuttlebutt may result in feelings of euphoria, uncontrollable laughter, and urinary incontinence. Some side splitting may occur in severe cases.